The Panda Bus Saves Christmas

Santa settled into his La-Z-Boy recliner after a fine dinner of Rare Who Roast Beast and potatoes specially prepared by Mrs. Claus.  Santa’s brother in law always said he didn’t know how Santa didn’t weigh five hundred pounds because Mrs. Claus could, beyond any stretch of the imagination, cook.  Meat, veggies, breads, cakes, pies, you name it.  She needed no recipes and always worked from scratch.  Her dressing and gravy which was served on the Black Friday Christmas Kick Off Dinner was the hit of the North Pole.  Santa always liked to make a dressing and gravy sandwich and watch his favorite football team, the Klondike Cowboys, play their arch-rivals, the Nanook Walruses, that night.  Mrs. Claus had a flawless complexion, large brown eyes and silver hair that was cut short and framed her beautiful face.  When Santa was visiting the old Rich’s store in Atlanta, he and Mrs. Claus would always stop by the Varsity Restaurant for chili dogs and onion rings.  The little children loved Mrs. Claus and they would point out to their Mommies there was Mrs. Claus.  Then they would stare at her, smiling and mesmerized.  She loved the little children too, and always reminded them to leave Santa Oreo cookies and milk.

Tonight was the night before Christmas Eve.  Santa sipped on his cup of cheer and turned on the Smart TV Sheldon the Science Elf had built for him to monitor the Santa Cams and get the Elf On The Shelf reports.  He flipped on The Weather Channel and immediately let out a loud groan.  “What’s the matter, Babe?” asked Mrs. Claus.  “Dagmar just reported that there’s a huge cold front and deep freeze blowing up from Missoula, Montana.  This is not good.  I’d better go check on the Little Saint Nick.”  

The Little Saint Nick was a custom ’32 Ford Deuce Coupe 375 Horse Chop Top Sleigh donated to Santa by the Still Cruisin’ Car Club.  It was Candy Apple Red with a black leather diamond tufted upholstered interior.  It sported Cragar Mag runners, chrome trim and an ample trunk for Santa’s Magic Bag.  She was ported and relieved and she was stroked and bored.  She’d do a hundred and forty with the top end floored.  And if that wasn’t enough to make you flip your lid, there’s one more thing… Santa had the Pink Slip, daddy!  She was powered by nine large block V-8 reindeer; Hemi, Cobra, Cleveland, Windsor, Six Pack, Holley, Hurst, Goodyear and Mopar, whose parking lights shined bright amber all the time.  These noble steeds were more than enough to get Santa quickly through his appointed rounds, although they did consume large amounts of Reindeer fuel.

Santa bundled up and went down to the Sleigh Barn.  There, under her cover, was the Little Saint Nick, polished and spit shined with Meguiar’s, ready for tomorrow night’s trip.  Santa checked her harnesses, runners and the propane heater under the seat.  Santa liked propane.  He actually preferred the taste of meat cooked over propane, but that’s another story altogether.  He checked on the reindeer.  They were all tuned up and under their blankets, ready to roll.

Santa closed up the barn and headed back up the hill to the toy factory.  He was tired and ready for bed.  He settled in for a long winter’s nap, and was snoozing away when he was woke with a start.  “Santa!  Santa!  Hate ta wake ya, but, ahhh, we got a problem!  We got us a full blown disaster!”  It was Elvis the Elf, Chief Elf.  All the other elves called him The King.  As Santa pulled on his long handles, snowsuit and boots, Elvis briefed him the news of The Disaster.  “Ah, Ah, Ah tell ya, Santa, things ain’t goin’ too well at all, man… th’ elves in th’ paint department put all th’ Peak Antifreeze in th’ paint to keep it from freezin’ ‘fore they put th’ last coat o’ paint on th’ toys t’morrah mornin’.  We ain’t got no more antifreeze, and the V-8 reindeer are all froze up.”  “Oh, boy,” sighed Santa.  “Well, thank you, Elvis… you always do a great job.”  “Wal, thankyasir,” said Elvis, “Thankyaverymuch…”  

Elvis trudged off to have himself a plate of fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and Santa sat down in the snow to contemplate Plan B.  He knew throwing in the towel was not an option.  Christmas Eve could not be cancelled.  This was his job, his responsibility.  The buck stopped here.  The problem was, he didn’t have a Plan B.  He’d never had to have a Plan B before.  Now he needed one, but Plan B’s need to be planned in advance.  That’s how they became Plan B’s.  Suddenly a small elf with a thick moustache and a gruff accent approached him.  “Guten evening, Santa,” said the elf.  “My name ist Verner von Wolfsburg.  I vurk in ze motor pool.  I could not help but overhear your malady, and I zink I may haft der solution.”  Santa looked at the little elf.  He seemed sincere, and at this point Santa was fresh out of answers and open to suggestions.  “All right, Verner, ” said Santa, “I’m all ears…”

“Zere is a garage not far from ze workshop here vhere a Panda Bus lives.  He und his brothers used to deliver kindergarten kinders from school to home und vice versa.  He’s long zince retired, but more zan capable.  Und ze best part is, he is air cooled. He cannot freeze up.”  “The air is freezing,” said Santa, “The Panda Bus will freeze up, regardless.”  “Nein, Nein!” protested Verner, “Ze engine vill heat ze air.  He vill run like ze scalded dog, jah!”  Santa realized he had little choice but to consider the option.  “All right, Verner.  Let’s go take a look at him.”  “Jah, Jah,” exclaimed Verner, and off they went.  

Not far away from The North Pole, they happened upon a small little garage and went inside.  There inside was a 1963 Panda Bear Transporter Microbus.  He had a Panda face painted on the front and  black and gray trim on the sides and back.  Inside, the back was open behind the two seats, with plenty of room for Santa’s Magic Bag.  He was not as shiny and flashy as the Little Saint Nick, but dapper and handsome just the same.  “Verner, I think this may just work out after all, ” exclaimed Santa.  “But tell me, how did a Panda Bus wind up here in The Arctic?”  “I zink zat zey followed ze Klondike Bars und Eskimo Pies, jah,” said Verner.  “Let’s get him back over to the Sleigh Barn and ready to ride,” said Santa, “but tell me, what will we use to pull him?  He doesn’t have enough power to get airborne by himself.”  “Ah, zir, I zought you vould never ask,” said Verner, and pulled open a door revealing eight tiny Volkswagen Beetles.  There was Ferdinand, Karmann, Split Window and Ferry; Sun Roof, Super Beetle, Cabrio and Ghia.  And lastly there was Schultz, a little red Cabriolet whose headlights lit up all the time.  Santa let out a long, loud and hearty laugh!  Christmas was going to be saved after all!!!

The Panda Bus was taken back to the Sleigh Barn and outfitted for the Christmas Eve Run.  A coat of unfrozen candy apple red paint was quickly applied to him and buffed out to a glistening shine.  Verner hooked the Reindeer Beetles together via tow bars, with Schultz and his headlights shining bright at the front.  He then secured the team to the lower torsion bar of the bus under the front bumper.  The propane heater was placed under the seat of the Panda Bus because being a Transporter Bus, it’s heater was of course only academic.  Finally, a beautiful wreath made by Mrs. Claus was hung on the front of the Panda Bus.  Santa’s Magic Bag, filled to the brim, was placed in the back.  Santa climbed in, gave a loud and hearty “HO, HO, HO!!!”  Schultz gave a “Beep! Beep” on his horn.  All nine of the Reindeer Beetle’s 40 horse engines sputtered to life and were soon humming like sewing machines!  It took them a while to build up the speed to get airborne.  But eventually they did and off they flew, to deliver Christmas toys to all the boys and girls of the world!  The Panda Bus had saved Christmas, and only consumed a portion of the fuel the V-8 Reindeer required… Still Cruisin’!  –J.